The Czar and I

This is the face of a biter.

2010-03-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

Innocent, no?

No.

This darling nephew of mine is a psychotic biter demon. I love him desperately, but he's going through a rather unpleasant phase - specifically he bites Ivan ALL. The. Time.

Apparently the biting is perfectly normal; especially for a second child (which is, for all intents and purposes, what Max is). In fact, the Android says his sister was a biter when they were young. Still, it's disturbing.

Max's M.O. goes something like this: 1) creep up behind Ivan with his teeth bared and his fingers in the air like Dracula, 2) Grab Ivan's shoulders, 3) Bite. Hard. It's not just the back biting, Max also has a taste for chubby wrists and the occasional forehead.

Poor Ivan has a bit of a complex now. Anytime Max comes up behind him, even for a hug or a playful pat, Ivan arches his back and whimpers. So sad.

Getting Max to stop is slow going. I'm teaching the Czar to use his words and say "NO!" but I fear the only way this will be resolved is if someone whacks someone else across the head in retaliation.

Not that I would condone this.

My ECFE teacher says he'll grow out of it, and one of the other moms in the class gave me this helpful piece of advice: if he won't let go just pinch his nostrils together so he has to open his mouth to take a breath. She sounded like she had experience in these matters so I think perhaps I've got it easy for the moment.

Three Weeks

2010-03-22T11:02:00.000-07:00

It's been over three weeks since the boy has had a pacifier.

He was super-addicted. Like, alarmingly so. He would giggle uncontrollably if he saw one across the room. He would scream and beg for one if he knew there was one in my pocket.

He started calling them "Thum". I don't know where he got that since we've never called them anything other than "Nuk", but whatever.

We finally decided it was time. Time to say goodbye to the thing our child loved most in the world because his dentist threatened my life if it wasn't gone by the next appointment. Time to give our kid a shot at straight teeth and no speech impediment.

(On a more selfish note, I didn't want to have a four year old with a pacifier in his mouth. That's just weird.)

After researching the best way to do it I ended up doing what made the most sense to me; I snipped the tip. I cut the tip off of each of his Nuks and let him use them. This angered the Czar, but he quickly lost interest. Then we threw them away. For the next few days he asked for is "thum" but I told him they were broken and that he had thrown them in the garbage.

You know what? It totally worked. He finally got the fact that they were gone - no more.

In Memorium
Nuk
July 2008-February 2010

Confession.

2010-03-19T11:08:00.000-07:00

My kid is getting older now. He's nearly 20 months old and he's becoming a person. Like, a real person with likes and dislikes. He throws tantrums. He whines. I don't know what he needs about 75% of the time.

I don't feel like a good mother anymore. For the first year I thought I had it in the bag. I was balancing motherhood, marriage, and having a grown-up LIFE just fine. I have this amazing husband and a partnership that I'm sure other people are jealous of (in my head). I wasn't always "together" - my house is generally messy and there wasn't a lot of home cooking happening, but everyone was clean and slept fairly well. Then suddenly at about 18 months my baby wasn't a baby anymore.

I have to think about parenting now. I have to watch my mouth. I have to think about things like separation anxiety and time-out and all the crap we learn about in ECFE. I'm starting to realize that this kid isn't just going to magically become a well-adjusted cool kid. And frankly, if we're relying on ME to make him that way it will never happen.

We are both so frustrated so much of the time right now. He doesn't know how to tell me what he wants and I have no idea what he's grunting about. There are some words, but they generally fly out the window when the real frustration strikes. I think he's going through a growth spurt right now and he wants to eat CONSTANTLY. He desperately points to his mouth and I bring him Teddy Grahams or a string cheese or Goldfish, or an apple slice and I'm either rewarded with a grin or punished for the wrong choice by a shriek and a few tears.

He hates his bed. First I just thought he hated his crib. Since he was working on escaping from it we turned it into a toddler bed. He still refused to sleep in it. Finally, one desperate night I dragged the mattress off the bed and set up shop on the floor. This seems to have worked, though now it looks like we have a teeny tiny college student living upstairs. I'm willing to let him sleep on a mattress on the floor if it means he won't be sleeping between Android and me. That was the first mistake we ever made - we had a co-sleeper so I could nurse without having to get up. Big stupid mistake. I loved having a sweet little baby next to me in the middle of the night, but that sweet little baby turned into a thrashing, long-legged beast. I want my bed back. I want him to just SLEEP. Like a normal person. And when he gets up he'll maybe make Mommy a pot of coffee.

I try to tell myself that this too, shall pass; unfortunately the Terrible Twos are just around the corner (if this isn't the beginning of them already). I'm beginning to think I bit off more than I can chew with this whole "raising a child" thing.

It would be nice to have a prodigy...

2009-11-03T20:16:00.000-08:00

The boy likes music a lot. Since I don't have that much experience with little kids I don't know if this is run of the mill or sort of special.

He particularly likes the piano a his Auntie Zosia's house, and Android's drum kit that is set up in our basement. I really need to get video of their little jam sessions. The boy will sit on the stool with his feet hooked under the snare drum to keep him steady. He'll hold a drumstick in each fist and will wave them around gleefully and bang each drum or cymbal in turn.

Android always said he'd never push his kid into playing the drums but he'd be supportive if they wanted to. And as he said the other night "Do you know how convenient it would be if he wanted to be a drummer?"

He also said "All he needs is a little sister on upright bass."

Ha! I'm totally holding him to that.

Old baby learning new tricks.

2009-11-02T19:55:00.000-08:00

I never really thought of a baby being a bit like a dog until one day I called him by making kissing noises. "C'mere bud! *Smoochsmooch* C'mere!!".

He came, too. What a good boy.

We've started teaching him tricks. He points to his belly and his nose, he plays "fetch" pretty well, and he knows "No" even if he doesn't abide by it.

He's not really talking which doesn't concern me... yet. "Mama" "Noooooononono" and "Ya. Yayaya." are in his repertoire at the moment. Not a huge vocabulary, but he has a good handle on what things are and what to do with them.

I read somewhere that 15-18 months is chock full of milestones - looking forward to that.

The Deviled Egg made me do it.

2009-11-01T11:33:00.001-08:00

Thanks to Amanda for the idea, and to Amy for the hat.
This was the ultimate last minute costume - I was whipstitching away two hours before we went out for the evening.

I may put more thought into it next year, but I guarantee nothing.

And yes - I have every intention of NaBloPoMo-ing it this year. Don't hold your breath, though. I rarely finish what I start.

Blocked.

2009-10-05T13:02:00.000-07:00

The only thing I write these days are Facebook updates. Anything longer than ten words starts looking a bit like a long-overdue thesis paper to me.

I'm hoping to get back into the swing of things eventually - for now here are some pics:

Party time, excellent.

2009-08-03T21:11:00.000-07:00

Photos by Jenn W.

To my Butter on your first birthday,

2009-07-30T03:52:00.000-07:00

Last night I told your Dad that I wanted to set my alarm for 1:16am so I could go in and kiss you Happy Birthday at the exact time you came into this world. I didn't do it because I figured I'd end up waking you up and no one likes to miss out on birthday sleep.

Then the weirdest thing happened: you woke me up at 1:15. You were crying in your crib and I went to get you and bring you back to bed with us. You fell asleep as soon as I picked you up. I probably could have put you back in the crib for a few hours, but instead I woke Papa up and he kissed your forehead and wished you a very happy birthday.

The last year has been like that, kid - every moment has been a little odd, a new adventure, or leaves us completely floundering in a sea of parenthood.

We love you more than you can possibly know.

Safety First.

2009-07-19T20:13:00.000-07:00

This is the baby gate we have been living with for two and a half months. We call it the Ghetto Baby Gate. It is, in fact, the bathroom door held open by a Rubbermaid filled with books and blankets and spare sheets.

It worked fine - he never went tumbling down the stairs. However, he managed to wreak havoc on our bathroom by opening the shower door (usually with one of us in there), unfurling entire rolls of toilet paper, and splashing about in the toilet bowl.

Now we have a beautifully installed real baby gate.

I'm thrilled to bits. We actually live here now.

Walker, Texas Baby.

2009-07-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

He is officially a walker now. Until today he took some steps, he could pivot while standing, but the falling would ensue.

Today he walks* -with purpose and with glee. Today he crouched to pick up a toy and stood back up. Today he stood up without any help from a parent or a piece of furniture.

The weirdest thing happened: I was reading a book on the couch and I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I swear to Pete is was like that scene in Signs when you see the alien for the first time and it's walking past an alley and you only glimpse it for a few seconds but that is enough to freak you the hell out.

Know what I mean?

*I probably could have gotten video, but the demon child sucked on the end of the USB cable that uploads pics to my computer. Nothing works now. I'm researching a new camera and he will not be allowed within 100 yards of it. I shall buy a telephoto lens.

Not a baby.

2009-07-09T21:05:00.000-07:00

A lot of parents say they miss the infant stage. The innocence, the baby smell, the general smallness. The immobility.

I remember the infant stage. They can have it.

I don't miss the infant stage because it made me uncomfortable to have someone depend on me so completely. I can't be everything to this small person, are you kidding?

So now, when he spends 45 minutes on the sun porch talking to himself and the cats and watching the buses pass, I can relax. He's going to be okay - at least until he bonks his head and wants Mom to kiss it.

He's not little anymore. I can see the four, five, ten-year-old boy he will be. All legs and blond hair and a smile that will break a thousand hearts.

The Leather Anniversary.

2009-07-08T21:12:00.000-07:00

Three years ago today I married my best friend in a beautiful garden. There was an upright bass and an acoustic guitar and a whole mess of people around who were deliriously happy for us.

It was a nearly perfect day, but the best part was going home to our apartment after the whole damn thing was over. We were married, and life continued on pretty much as it had for the five years prior.

Since then we've had a baby, bought a house and gotten a joint bank account.
Still, we're basically the same kids who fell in love in Duluth.

I guess all I can say is: I would do anything for you, Love. But I won't do that.

Slow News Day

2009-07-03T20:11:00.001-07:00

I dyed my kid's hair with Kool-aid today. It was supposed to be red on one side and blue on the other (with the white blonde 'hawk in between) but I got impatient and annoyed that my fingers were getting stained, and then I was worried he would look like Massive Head Wound Harry, so I put him in the tub before the "dye" really took.

Now he's kind of tinted pink and baby blue. Maybe I'll give him a patriotic tattoo as well.

Perhaps I will try again for Bastille day.

What else? Oh, he is so close to walking. He can even go a good three or four feet before he starts overthinking things and collapses to the ground.

Oh, and my computer and my camera aren't on speaking terms right now. No idea why. Until they work things out there will be no pictures.

And I deleted both my Myspace and Twitter accounts. I only ever used MySpace to stalk people, and I only signed up for Twitter so I could follow my friend's account of her labor and delivery. Cate is now several months old and I haven't used it since. Time for me to let go. I'm just not cool enough to be so connected. I'm contemplating weeding out my Facebook friends, but that seems kind of ruthless.

Must have been a good snack.

2009-06-27T06:25:00.000-07:00

My kid choked on a piece of pear yesterday. At first I thought he was playing - sometimes he sticks his tongue out at me while he's eating, so I thought he was flirting with me until his face started turning red and he gave me the crazy eyes.

Anyway, I stayed totally calm and did exactly what I remember from CPR class - I took the tray off his highchair, unbuckled him, flipped him over and whacked him on the back. When the piece of pear emerged from his throat hooked it and swept it out with my finger.

The boy was scared and sad, but I gave him a sippy of water and put him on the couch. He kept glaring at me like this whole ordeal was my fault. Then he rolled off the couch and crawled over to the discarded highchair tray and finished his snack. It was a good snack, I guess - yogurt melts, graham crackers and (of course) pears.

I did everything exactly right, but all I could think of was that I'm not certified in infant and child CPR anymore and that scared the living shit out of me.

Peekaboo!

2009-06-24T12:17:00.001-07:00

Okay, so he's been doing this for a couple of weeks now, but it took some time to get photographic evidence.

The Zen of Sippy Cup

2009-06-23T21:24:00.000-07:00

Let's say you're trying to transition your child to a sippy cup. Let's say he hasn't quite grasped the mechanics of holding it up and tipping his head back and swallowing all at the same time.

And, just for fun, let's say you've bought six different brands of sippy cups.

Want to bypass all that? Put your baby in a car seat on a sweltering June day in a vehicle with marginal (at best) air conditioning. Hand him a cup filled with cold water and a few ice cubes. See how fast he figures it out.

You're welcome.

Happy Father's Day! (belated)

2009-06-22T08:26:00.000-07:00

http://www.marionvitus.com/

Here we go.

2009-06-09T07:36:00.000-07:00

"Mom. Mama. Ma. Ma. Mommmma. Mom."

Today my kid called me "Mama" because he needed something. He's said it a hundred times before, but mainly in terror (f I leave for the store without him), exasperation (if I dare to wipe his hands and face after a meal), and general babbling (cruising around the coffee table with a spoon in hand).

Today I was feeding Max and the Czar was at my elbow. I heard him talking, but I was busy and he had to wait. A few minutes later the "Mama" was coupled with rhythmic jabs to my side. He was poking me!

He's brilliant and annoying at the same time!

Teddy? Blankie? Nope.

2009-06-05T08:40:00.000-07:00

Lest you think the spoon thing was a fleeting phase:

He rediscovered this cat toy yesterday. It gives him much joy.

For my very subtle mother.

2009-05-28T09:15:00.001-07:00

Real Hawk.

2009-05-27T20:04:00.001-07:00

I know my many millions of readers are wondering where I've been lately - I'm here. I'm just not terribly poetic lately.

However, I shaved my kid's head, AND I took pictures.

(MamaGrouch - this is the one where I think he looks like a blond Creep)

Early Aversion To Housework.

2009-05-15T12:27:00.000-07:00

I vacuumed the living room rug today. The Russian Mafia (My new nickname for the Czar and my nephew Max - clever, nyet?) were displeased by this. Max objected by lying stock still on his play gym and hoping the monster would go away.

The Czar was pissed. He immediately burst into tears and started flapping his hands at the wrists in a totally panicked way. Then, instead of running away, he started crawling toward the vacuum. I think he was trying to get to me and he was really mad at the mean loud thing that was in the way.

Poor baby.

I was doubled over laughing. I actually kept vacuuming a little longer than necessary because I was laughing so much. I'm such a bad mom.

There may be a dearth of pictures for the foreseeable future. I think the camera has kicked the bucket and I need to convince Android that we need a new one. Shouldn't take too long as I am not above throwing a full-on temper tantrum.

Happy Mother's Day!

2009-05-10T11:05:00.000-07:00

I'm exhausted and overwhelmed by the amount of work that needs to be done before we are officially "moved in". That pretty much wraps up the last two weeks.

The kid has a cold, and the rivulets of snot that cover his upper lip totally gross me out.

It's a good thing I still have birthdays because Mother's Day ain't what it's cracked up to be.

Still, the kid is cute.

Rough day.

2009-05-02T18:29:00.000-07:00

We moved out of our apartment and into our house today. The house, once spacious and echo-y is now crammed full of boxes and mismatched furniture. Still, it feels like home.

We're strangely split between the two houses for a while, though. For example, as we have no internet at the house, our computer is still in the apartment. All of our dishes, utensils and other kitchen paraphernalia are in the apartment. I imagine we'll be snagging things as needed for at least a week.

The cats are confused, but we're leaving them here at least until after the housewarming party tomorrow. Poor things don't have anything soft to sit on. Finn is sleeping on a cardboard box. Sad.

I'm so very very tired. There is too much to do and not nearly enough hours to do it in.

Nine months

2009-05-01T07:02:00.000-07:00

Home again.

2009-04-19T05:45:00.000-07:00

Did I say I would post every day of April? Really?

I lied. I didn't even check my email while we were in SC. It was a good trip - nice to get away from Minnesota, but I have decided that if we're going to go somewhere to get away from the Minnesota cold, I want HOT. I want at least 80 degrees every single day. I don't want to put jeans back on until we have to get on the plane to go home.

BUT - South Carolina is truly beautiful. We stayed on Harbor Island in this beautiful beach house, we day tripped to Savannah on day (not enough for me - what a cool town!), we went to Hunting Island beach, saw alligators and horseshoe crabs and fiddler crabs and turtles and snowy egrets. We ate more grits than I've ever had in my life, and Android is hooked on them.

I'm exhausted and there's a LOT of stuff coming up in the next few weeks, but here are some pictures to tide you over.

Crazy eyes.

2009-04-10T12:27:00.001-07:00

He's picking up on the stress vibes Mommy and Daddy are exuding.

Witness Manic-Depressive Baby:

Took him out to the Ballgame...

2009-04-08T06:46:00.000-07:00

Went to the second game of the Twins home opener series last night. It was a boring game with a spectacular 9th inning - just the way I like it. The boy fell asleep at 7:30, woke up at 9:30, was perfectly pleasant until the last few seconds of the game when the Twinkies totally pulled it out and people were screaming.

Poor kid. I had him in the front pack, I was jumping up and down yelling and I looked down and the kid had burst into tears. We scooted out of there pretty quickly.

Adorable, no? He kept ripping them off his head.

Circle me, Bert!

"Pay attention! I can catch better than that!"

Early October 2008

Six Months Later

A Boy and his Spoon - Part Deux

2009-04-07T07:48:00.000-07:00

Teach your children well

2009-04-06T18:14:00.000-07:00

A Maxtastic Evening

2009-04-05T16:56:00.000-07:00

My darling nephew Max came to hang with us on Friday while his parents went to the orchestra. He was the most alert I'd ever seen him, and since the Czar was fast asleep the whole time, we got to snuggle the new baby without having to deal with, you know, the old baby.

Poor Finn. He spent much of the night looking totally freaked - "What the hell? There's another one? I don't like the first one you brought home!"

My guys. The blondes are sleeping while Max is plotting world domination.

A Boy and his Spoon

2009-04-03T20:03:00.000-07:00

My weird child does not have a security blanket. He has a security spoon. Six of them, actually. They are his absolute favorite Spring accessory and he feels naked without one clutched in his sticky little hand.

I have learned that if I'm going to dress him, I must first put the arm without the spoon into the sleeve, then transfer said spoon to the opposite hand and put the other arm in.

He crawls with a spoon in his hand. He beams with pleasure when we present him with a spoon after he hasn't seen one for ten minutes. He gnaws thoughtfully on the spoon while watching the kitties sleep in the windowsill.

I never want to lose these spoons.

Settling down for bedtime with Spoon.

Hanging out on the couch with Spoon.

Just chillin' with Spoon.

Crawling with Spoon.

Eating with Spoon. (Different than "eating with spoon".)

Playing with toy (without neglecting Spoon).

Reading with Spoon. (Look closely - it's in his left hand.)

Active bleeding.

2009-04-03T05:06:00.000-07:00

So, I was telling a friend about the various bumps and bruises the Czar has gotten in the last few weeks from just being a wild crawling thing.

She asked "Has he actively bled yet?". I asked if scratching himself on the face counted and she said no, "Actual running blood."

I had not experienced that yet and was glad of it because it sounds awful and blood in general makes me squeamish, so my child's blood, well, that's intolerable, right?

Right.

Last night I came home to my husband changing my son's clothes on the bed. I walk in and he says "Don't freak out, but..." and he holds up a white shirt with several spots of blood on the collar. Apparently the boy was crawling, fell, and the one tooth he has cut his upper gum. The Czar was deliriously happy that I was home, he crawled toward me, the paci fell out of his mouth and there was a ring of pink drool around his mouth. Poor kid.

We couldn't do much except find him a sleeper that you wouldn't be able to see bloodstains on.
(Oh, shut up. You'd do the same thing.)

He's fine now, but I am looking into finding him a helmet, mouth guard and chain mail to wear until he's in kindergarten.

The Hunt for the Elusive Tooth

2009-04-01T12:17:00.000-07:00

Too lazy to think of a clever title. Totally stole one from Mama Grouch.

The child has one single, solitary tooth at the moment. I swear it gets sharper by the day and the boy is realizing that chewing on stuff feels extra good. Unfortunately his gnaw of choice is my hand. I was expecting a fever, diaper rash, and major crabbiness, but the only thing we got this time around was rivers of drool.

It was tough to get a picture, and the one I finally got isn't even that good. No matter, it's there and I can relax about my child being the only baby I know with no teeth. (No kidding. I was having nightmares about him being completely toothless for the rest of his life.

That's the stinkeye if I ever saw it.

"No! Get away from my mouth!"

I took this one while he was sleeping. Poor sucker. (It's there, I swear.)

8 Months

2009-03-30T21:20:00.000-07:00

My darling boy is 8 months old now. He crawls like greased lightning, he smiles with his entire being, and he laughs loud enough to melt the hearts of the population of several surrounding counties.

His favorite toy is a spoon (unless he can get his hands on the TV remote), and he wishes that socks and hats were never invented.

He's endlessly fascinating to me and I can't imagine a better kid in the universe.

He's also Massive Headwound Harry today. He woke up with a huge scratch between his eyes this morning, and this evening he wonked his head on a coffee table. The subsequent bruise was immediate and epic, but it barely fazed him and seems to have gone down now. The kid either needs to learn the fine art of balance, or I have to gear up for a childhood full of ER visits.

Doofy.

2009-03-29T19:23:00.000-07:00

Peace is in the air.

2009-03-25T08:47:00.000-07:00

Ivan got his hands on a kitty toy that doesn't make me say "No no no no! Get that out of your mouth!". I'm not saying I WANT him to put it in his mouth, but so far he's been content to wave it at the cats and practically pee himself with glee when they respond with something other that disdain and/or fear.

P.S. I'm going to make April into another NaBloPoMo (if you don't know what that is, Google it or let your imagination run wild.). At first I thought this would be impossible because we'll be in SC for a week, closing on the house and moving into said house, but I've decided to take it as a challenge (Or, I'm stupid. Whatever.) Either way, it'll be fun to steal my sister's iPhone and post daily pictures of the kiddies on the beach...

I've been having "Bad Mommy" thoughts. I feel like I should (I hate that word) be documenting all his little milestones, but I don't. I filled out the fist page of both a baby calendar and a baby book, but never moved on from there.

Cabin fever.

2009-03-17T08:38:00.000-07:00

Speed Racer

2009-03-13T12:25:00.000-07:00

Since the crawling began I have realized what a complete deathtrap our apartment is. Seriously - there are cords everywhere and sharp corners and brewing equipment and musical instruments and yarn and three hole punches strewn about the place! I don't even notice most of it until it is on it's way into his mouth/onto his head.

He is fast, too. In the blink of an eye he can go from the relative safety of the living room to being wrist-deep in the cat's water bowl and about to lick the remnants of last night's chicken liver paté.

He'll eat anything, too. I know it's the way babies explore their world, but this world doesn't include a housekeeper. I've nipped that in the bud by making sure he has a pacifier in his mouth when he's on the floor.

He's also learned that now that the apartment is his oyster he doesn't have to play with all the stupid toys his mommy and daddy have lovingly dangled at him for the past seven months. He can now enjoy the hollow thump of a cottage cheese tub. Or the subtle humor of a twist tie (see below).

I've gotten pretty good at running after him and scooping him up before he dives head first into the kitty litter box. I take my victories where I can get them.

Get Up, Stand Up!

2009-03-09T14:57:00.000-07:00

Stand up for your rights!

He pulled himself up to standing today!

My darling kid.

2009-03-06T08:03:00.000-08:00

One of the few pictures of the boy and I. The Android isn't quite as much of a shutter bug as I am - I had to beg him to take pictures of us last night.

You call him WHAT?

2009-03-05T11:33:00.000-08:00

I'm a big old copycat. I admit it. I got the subject of this post here. And here.

We don't call him The Czar at home. For some reason it never caught on.

I think it started with Bud. Then Buddy. Then Buddybutt.

Then Butterbutt (That's all Android. I have no idea).

It finally settled on Butter. Not to be confused with Butters.

Depending on our respective moods he's also: Puddin' Pop, Mister Man, Demon Child and Your Baby.

It's PBS so it's okay, right?

2009-03-04T11:34:00.000-08:00

It started with Sesame Street. I plunked him down in front of the TV in his Bumbo and he seemed to enjoy it.

Now I am a PBS Kids connoisseur. I like It's a Big, Big World (it's a seriously awesome show), I hate Caillou (he annoys the guts right out of me), I like Curious George, but Super Why! is kinda dumb. I can give or take DragonTales.

In my defense, he usually watches about a half hour twice a day. But that time is a sweet, sweet respite from the climbing and the crawling and the pulling up and the eating of things that he shouldn't. I'm taking what I can get.

It's snot you, it's me.

2009-02-26T09:59:00.000-08:00

I've been at this for nearly 7 months. Pee doesn't faze me. Poop is gross, but can be dealt with. Spit-up makes me gag a little, but I've pretty much conquered the disgust.

Snot, however, continues to utterly gross me out. Poor kid has a head cold and I'm fixated on not getting the snot on my shoulder when he rubs his head on it.

In other news... We're buying a house! And it's great! And the boy will have his own room that his parents don;t also use as a closet! Lucky boy.

More on that later. Maybe. I haven't been feeling terribly witty or interesting lately. AND I'm too damn lazy to upload pictures, so this site has been dormant. I have the February Blahs. March may be better.

Deep Thoughts

2009-02-16T13:24:00.000-08:00

I like my baby better when I remember to clip his nails before they become demon claws.

My funny Valentine

2009-02-14T07:21:00.000-08:00

Too much too fast.

2009-02-08T06:55:00.000-08:00

Entirely too much has happened in the last two weeks. My brain may explode.

The Czar got over his fever pretty quickly, though I was terrified his brain was going to boil. He still seems smart enough, so I figure we're good for now.

More importantly, I got a brand new nephew on January 28! Matyas "Max" Donald D. came into the world at 8lbs 2oz and 20 inches. He's been dubbed Peanut Butter (The Czar's nickname is Butter, and since Max is smaller and a little yellow due to some jaundice) and he and the Czar will take over the world.

My boy is thisclose to crawling. He's doing this inchworm-like thing right now. We can place a toy a couple of feet in front of him and he'll pull his knees up and stretch out a few times in order to grab it. He's also added a one-armed Army crawl into the mix. What can I say? He's brilliant.

He figured out rolling over a couple of months ago, then dropped it like the proverbial hot potato. In the last two days he's picked it up again and can roll over without so much as a grunt. All of these new things have me well and truly terrified.

What else? I'm sure there's something, but it took me two days to write this post, so I'm just gonna go ahead and wrap it up now.

P.S. I have pictures, but Blogger is being a bitch.

He's got the fever...

2009-01-26T18:29:00.000-08:00

Poor kid's got a fever. Nothing too scary crazy - an average of about 101 or so (apparently tiny people can tolerate higher temperatures than grownups). I don't know what's causing it. I s'pose he could be sick, but he doesn't seem like it. No real sniffles or coughs, he's still eating like a champ.

My biggest theory is that he's teething, but I've been saying that for three months. He has all the signs of teething without the actual teeth.

Anyway, this is him sacked out on the couch - and yes, the dark spot is drool. Everything in our house has been drooled on at some point. I've made my peace with that.

Visualize Whirled Peas

2009-01-22T18:55:00.000-08:00

The peas were not a hit.

Inauguration Day

2009-01-20T09:53:00.000-08:00

Ivan and Joni, sittin' in a tree...

2009-01-19T13:31:00.000-08:00

This poster is above the boy's changing table. He smiles at Joni every morning.

What's up, doc?

2009-01-17T16:28:00.000-08:00

The child has been on cereal (first rice, then oatmeal) for a month and a half now. He loves it, and he loved it more when we added apple juice to the cereal to, er... get things moving. If you know what I mean.

You, know. Poop.

Anyway, we were excited to start him on some thing a bit more interesting than oatmeal. Since it's probably too early to introduce him to Pad Thai, we went for the natural second choice: carrots.

He enjoyed them.

Actual Conversation - Annie Edition

2009-01-13T11:56:00.000-08:00

Android: I still think Bernadette Peters is totally hot in Annie.
Me: I think she's totally hot in Annie. So is Tim Curry for that matter.
Android: And Carol Burnett.
Me: ...Yeah?
Android. No. Carol Burnett is not hot. Talented and amazing? Yes. Beautiful, even. But never hot.

Welcome Charlie!

2009-01-12T19:55:00.000-08:00

My good friends welcomed their first child (a masculine child) last Wednesday.

On his due date.

Who does that?

Anyway, my boys and I got to meet him today. We traded new parent stories, recapped the labor and delivery, discussed how absolutely AMAZING baby breath is... All the important stuff.

Charlie is lucky to have a sweet and kind mommy and a daddy who will teach him the finer points of fishing and Mac use.

Welcome to the world, little guy!

A.k.a.

2009-01-05T13:49:00.000-08:00

Before I had my kid I balked at the idea of being referred to as "The Czar's Mom". That signified the ultimate identity loss and I wanted no part of it.

Then I started hanging out with other parents. Suddenly I was asking if "Ruby's Mom" would be joining us at the park so I could get that scone recipe. I learned another secret no one tells you before becoming a parent - your brain becomes so addled by hormones and sleeplessness that you can really only keep certain names in your head, and they usually correspond to the smaller and cuter person in the duo. (Let's face it, as cute as you think you are, your kid is always cuter.)

I haven't lost my identity. However, call me "The Czar's Mom" at a dinner party and I'll scratch your eyes right out.

Why Today Kind of Sucked

2009-01-03T19:21:00.000-08:00

1) My phone died. This is tragic. What makes things worse is my friend is thisclose to having a baby and I may not get the text that says the baby is on it's way/here! (The good news is, I had insurance. A new phone will be in my possession on Tuesday. Always buy phone insurance, kids!)

2) I ate too much fiber today. Like, waaaayyy too much. I shant go into further detail.

3) Work was slow. It wouldnt be so bad if I could talk to ther people, but I'm the only one in the shop. I could go over to the adjacent liquor store, but I don't like most of the employees. And the ones I do like are busy working. Go figure.

4) My feet are dry. No amount of lotion will remedy them when they're like this.

5) Facebook depresses me. It makes me feel like I should be social all the time with people I barely know anymore. I have a hard enough time keeping in touch with my friends within a 20 mile radius!

6) I stupidly tried to take a bath tonight when I KNEW that the boy would wake up and demand to be fed. So, the ten minutes of relaxing in the hot water was shot to hell by the wailing of a starving child and my mad dash to wash my hair and not kill myself getting out of the tub.

And now the Android is at a gig and I'm alone with the babe. He's sleeping now and I'll take advantage of this and try to get some reading done.

Five months

2008-12-31T05:50:00.000-08:00

The Czar turned five months yesterday- FIVE! Time flies when you're sleep deprived.

He's still my baby, though.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-26T19:36:00.000-08:00

Baking with Babies

2008-12-22T18:10:00.000-08:00

It's a cookbook! A COOKBOOK!

If you got that obscure reference, please leave me a comment.

Anyway - today I stunk my house up with Christmas cheer. I made my fabulous cheddar shortbread nuggets, and some slightly less fabulous brown sugar and oatmeal shortbread cookies. They aren't bad, the just aren't right. I might mess around with the recipe, or I might scrap the whole idea and stick with the cheddar shortbread. We'll see. All I know is I've blown through five pounds of butter today and I am tired.

And a little sick. I accidentally tasted way too much dough. And obviously I had to taste the finished products... Now I want to vomit.

The child did not make baking easy. Instead of getting it done in one fell swoop, I had to break it up into increments and hope against hope he wouldn't decide to melt down when I had a fistful of dough.

Christmas is almost here and I have the overwhelming desire to cut off communication with the outside world and sleep for three days. Naturally, I have to do the exact opposite. I have to be social and presentable, and I won't be allowed to lounge in my garden gnome pajama pants from dawn til dusk.

I think I may have to work a little harder on the Christmas cheer.

Ha! I did it!

2008-12-21T18:47:00.001-08:00

Christmas cheer, dammit! And I'm about to make a shrinky dink "Baby's First Christmas" ornament because all the ones I've seen in stores are LAME. MamaGrouch - I think we may need to start a business to address this problem in the New Year. Let me know what you think.

I've been knitting the babe a sweater-type thing, and I'm trying my darndest to get it done for Christmas... so I've been employing the use of the many neglect-o-matic devices in our house. Sue me.

Stupid.

2008-12-20T20:49:00.000-08:00

WHY did I choose December to be my NaBloPoMo? Stupid, stupid, stupid. Too much to do, too little time to blog.

In knitting news, I have finally broken out of my hat and scarf doldrums and I am knitting a swaeter for the boy! It's totally cute and so far is turning out beautifully. It helps that it is ridiculously easy.

I'll post pics when it is finished - Monday maybe?

Not fair.

2008-12-19T11:47:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday night a friend's son was stillborn. I learned about this early this morning and have since been on an emotional roller coaster of feeling sad, angry and incredibly blessed.

I hugged my baby extra hard this morning and I did a little heavy reading.

I did it again!

2008-12-18T06:16:00.001-08:00

Bah. Forgot to post again. Alas...

The other day I experimented with the boy's hair - tried to make it look like there was more of it.

It didn't work.

Blech.

2008-12-16T06:23:00.001-08:00

One of the fun things about motherhood that no one ever tells you is this:

"Spit up" is a PC term for barf.

I smell barf every single day now.

There are few things worse than raising a steaming, delicous cup of coffee to your mouth and then smelling vomit on your hand because you missed a spot on your wrist.

O Tannenbaum

2008-12-15T10:27:00.000-08:00

MamaGrouch gave me a Christmas tree because our aforementioned sad little Charlie Brown Christmas tree is missing a foot.

Pretty, huh?

What's that? I should take a picture of all it lit up? Would that I could.

I spent an hour and a half or so straightening the branches, fluffing them, making them even, lovingly stringing the lights upon its branches... Finally, I placed it on a little end table and got ready to plug in the lights.

Me: Hon! C'mere! I'm going to light the tree!
Me: Um...
Android: You didn't test them first, did you?

And then, instead of mercilessly making fun of me, he came over, put his arm around my waist and started singing O Tannenbaum.

And that's why I love him.

Anyway, I have another set of lights in a box somewhere. At least I didn't decorate it first.

Cuddly bear or terrible lizard?

2008-12-14T08:19:00.000-08:00

Sweet little crocheted bear, right?

WRONG.

Powder blue Stegosaurus/bear mutant of death.

Naturally, the Czar loves it. I think he believes it will help him in his mission to rule the world.

We're calling him Bearasaurus Rex right now, but I'm willing to entertain other suggestions. Feel free to leave a comment.

(Hint Hint.)

Oh, hush.

2008-12-13T07:03:00.000-08:00

So, I missed one. Big deal.

I'm in a bit of a foul mood due to a passive aggressive husband, a messy kitchen and the news of borderline high cholesterol.

I have A Klingon Christmas Carol tonight, so the nerdy good cheer will be plenty.

Here comes Santa Claus

2008-12-11T19:27:00.000-08:00

For years I've done little, if any, preparation for Christmas. For example, last year we discovered our Christmas tree (a three foot sad little Charlie Brown lookin' thing) was missing a foot, so it stood, undecorated, against the rocking chair in the living room until mid-January. Somehow I managed to do Christmas cards, but I didn't mail them, I just handed them out as I saw people.

As a couple, Android and I have never had stockings, or special ornaments or any real Christmas traditions of our own - we've always been with his family or my family... Well, except for one year. One year we decided to be just the two of us on Christmas. I screwed up the turkey breast, and he decided we should go see King Kong. If you've seen King Kong (2005) you'll know why this was so bad.

This year, however, I'm not totally hating Christmas. The kid makes things seem bright and shiny and magical, even though he has no idea what's going on. Today I was trying to decide what book to buy him (The Night Before Christmas or A Wish for Wings that Work?) and I remembered the good old days when snow was still awesome and reindeer needed carrots to be left out for them and... well, I just generally wasn't jaded.

This year I'm going to try to start some new traditions - ones that he can look back on (when he's 27 and apathetic about all things Christmas) and remember fondly.

Tomorrow I will mail out about 3/4 of my holiday cards and a huge box of maternity clothes that I promised someone back in like, August.

I have to take this "cheer" thing slowly, you know.

Why not?

2008-12-10T20:54:00.000-08:00

I have nothing interesting to say. I shall placate my reader(s?) with a picture of a frog face on a baby butt.

Three band-aids.

2008-12-09T09:17:00.000-08:00

The child had his 4 month well-baby checkup today. As usual he's practically perfect in every way.

Height: 26" (90%)
Weight: 14lbs, 8oz (50%)
Head: 16 3/4" (70%)

He also got some immunizations and has three teeny band-aids on his chubby little thighs to prove it. Poor kid.

FAME!

2008-12-08T13:42:00.000-08:00

I watched this 1980 movie classic last night and have decided that if my dear son chooses to pursue the fine arts, he should go to a performing arts school like that one.

Well, maybe we could leave out the teen pregnancy.

And the many, many leotards. And the bad hair.
And the incessant disco.

And the nekkid "modeling" sessions.

You know what? There are some good science magnet schools here.

He does already own legwarmers, though.

I made that!

2008-12-07T17:40:00.000-08:00

The hat, that is.

***********************************************************
In related news: I just mastered the six-stitch cable. Go me.

Baby's Second Cold.

2008-12-06T20:30:00.000-08:00

The little tyrant seems to be working on a cold. My first clue? Twin rivers of snot running from his nostrils. My second clue? The screaming.

Oh, the screaming. And yes, this is screaming.

However, his wide open howling mouth makes it easier to squirt a dropper full of tasty cherry-flavored baby Tylenol down his throat... so I can't complain too much.

I'm running on very little sleep tonight, and I'm about to go to bed and get even less sleep. Maybe I'll be more interesting tomorrow. We'll see.

Baby's First Jug Show

2008-12-05T19:19:00.000-08:00

Tonight my kid met his daddy's crazy jug band. He was fascinated the whole time and didn't cry once!

Mommy, on the other hand, was a total bitch to everyone she cared about all night long. Sorry guys (Android, MamaGrouch). I owe you a coffee at MayDay.

I think I'm gonna have a beer and feel sorry for myself for a while.

Rhodes Scholar, I tell ya!

2008-12-04T17:51:00.000-08:00

The kid has been rolling from his tummy to his back for a couple of weeks now, but today he rolled from his back to his belly! Well, 3/4 of the way, but it's way harder. It takes all kinds of extra muscles to roll off your back, so he's obviously gifted.

Or totally normal. Whatever.

I'll admit I'm kind of a Nazi about tummy time, though. He hated it for a long time, but unless he was screaming bloody murder I made him do ten minutes a day. I'm reaping the rewards now because he can hang out on his blanket for up to a half hour without me having to say boo to him. I put him down on his belly and when he gets bored with that he flips over and stares at the light fixture for a while. I could spend this stolen time doing housework or something, but that would be like a punishment for a job well done!

Lies! All lies!

2008-12-03T12:52:00.000-08:00

The kid does not, in fact, have a tooth coming through.

Apparently Mother Nature thought it would be a funny trick to make little hard white bumps* pop up on your baby's gums before they start teething. You get all excited and you figure that your child is obviously way ahead of the game, and then-Poof! Gone. All gone.

He's just a toothless little guy who drools all the time.

My baby is essentially the town drunk without the booze.

*These are called eruption cysts. I would have posted a link, but I couldn't find one without scary pictures. The bump on my kid's gum wasn't nearly as scary as these were - so I'll spare you. You're welcome.

Actual Conversation - Confused Husband Edition

2008-12-02T20:54:00.000-08:00

Me: So, I just want to make sure that if I go to knitting it won't end up like last time.

Android: What happened last time?

Me: Um. You called me and were really pissed because the boy was crying and you were mad at me.

Android: Those were extemporaneous circumstances.

Me: Wait. What?

Android: No! I'm right this time! (madly clicking to the dictionary on our dashboard)

Me: I think you mean extenuating...

Android: Extemporaneous: spoken or done without prepara... f**k you.

And just because he's cute, here's the Czar on Thanksgiving.

Four Months!

2008-12-01T06:58:00.000-08:00

The Czar is four months old as of yesterday! Good job, buddy!

Thanksgiving weekend is a time for major changes in our household. Five years ago we got our cat Lucy (She's the devil, but we love her. Well, I do. Android - not so much).
Four years ago Android proposed (while I was watching Mean Girls in my jammies. So romantic.).
Last year, after several days of more-than-moderate drinking, I realized my period was five days late. That Sunday I peed on the test that directly led to this Thanksgiving's major milestone:

The Czar's first taste of solid food!

Do I have something on my face?

Yeah, I'll pass. Thanks, though.

No, really - My fist is hitting the spot.

Actual Conversation - Crazy Husband Edition

2008-11-30T19:56:00.000-08:00

Android: Blahblahblahblahblah

Me: (Looking up from the computer) Did you say something?

Android: Yeah. Do you ever listen to me?

Me: You can't just start talking and expect me to listen to you! You have to say "Webby..." then start talking!

Android: Who else would I be talking to?

Me: Are you kidding? You talk to the cats, you talk to the baby, you talk to yourself, you talk to your BEER. Now. What were you saying to me?

*blink*

Android: I was saying that this hard cider isn't bad if you add some sugar to it.

Me: Yeah, it's pretty good.

Oh, and because I am both way too cool for school AND tragically behind the times, I'm going to post here every day in the month of December. You have been warned.

Just pictures.

2008-11-26T07:03:00.000-08:00

Too lazy to write more. Enjoy the cuteness.

Potato, potahto.

2008-11-18T14:55:00.000-08:00

I learned something new this weekend. What Android categorizes as "screaming" (as in "The Czar was screaming for two hours before he finally went to sleep") is actually "crying/fussing".

For MONTHS I've been coming home to "Oh, man. He was screaming his head off the whole time you were gone." or some variation on a theme... and The Czar was actually just fussing like a NORMAL FREAKING BABY.

I called him on it this weekend - "That's what you call screaming? That's not screaming! Are you kidding me?"

Screaming is when his face turns beet red and looks like it may actually take flight and/or explode. Screaming is when your eardrums become punctured if you come within three feet of him. Screaming is when you question your will to live or start researching how much you can get for a baby on the black market.

Look, don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful husband and father...

But if I hear one more thing about the baby "screaming" I will smite him where he stands.

Things to look forward to

2008-11-17T14:28:00.000-08:00

I gave my friend The Creep some Play-Doh for his third birthday. While watching him play with it I witnessed this exchange between him and his mom:

Creep: Look, Mama! I made a birthday cake!
MamaGrouch: That's great, bud! Are you going to pretend to eat it?

pause

Creep: No.

pause

Creep: It's Play-Doh, Mama.

Wow. Nothin' like bein' schooled by a pre-schooler.

Obama gonna knock you OUT!

2008-11-09T17:04:00.000-08:00

A whole mess of people I voted for actually won! How 'bout that?

In other news, the boy is teething. Or he's thinking about it anyway - he's got the very top of a tooth popping up and I suspect my life will get a lot harder very soon. My baby's growing up!

It makes me happy and sad all at the same time.

Happy Election Day!

2008-11-04T14:41:00.000-08:00

I trucked the babe down to our local polling place (all of four blocks away). I brought a diaper bag, a book, and an extra pacifier - Just in case. (My whole life seems to be lived in terms of "just in case". There are receiving blankets dotted around the house because they are the best multi-purpose tool in the baby world. They can be used to warm the baby, soothe the baby, wipe up the grossness that oozes from a baby...)

I heard there were super long lines leading out the door of the building. I was in and out in five minutes flat. Should have known that by 10 am the masses had thinned out.

Anyway, I voted in a Presidential election for the third time in my life. Maybe the third time will be the charm and my guy will actually win!

The Clothes Make the Baby

2008-11-02T06:15:00.001-08:00

Since becoming a mother I've been tossed into the world of baby clothes. They are tiny and cute and, let's face it, completely absurd.

Put an animal, any animal on a piece of baby clothing and suddenly it's supposed to be cute. The weirdest example I've ever tun into has got to be Pooh vs. the Giant Crab:

What the hell? How did a crab get into the Hundred Acre Woods? (And you smarty pantses out there who are about to tell me that there are crabs that walk around on land and hang out in forests - hush. I don't need that kind of terror in my life.)

There are bears playing basketball, and talking monkeys and frogs. There are frogs everywhere. It's like the cute version of the Plagues of Egypt.

And I love the clothes that proclaim to the reader what they are supposed to say upon viewing. It's like cue cards for ugly babies! For example, we have a hat that says "Cutie" (Oh! What a.... "Cutie"! Yessir! He's mighty "cute".") There's also "I'm so sweet" (for the colic-y babes), and "100% Lovable". You dress you baby in that the morning after a particularly horrendous night.

I prefer to think of the Czar as El Baroda. So much cooler than proclaiming to the world that he is adorable.

Oh! We also have a teeny little soft grey jacket that someone slapped a squirrel on. I like squirrels, and I like babies, but generally I avoid mixing the two. You know, rabies.

The holidays are coming, so naturally I'm afraid someone will force him to wear a sweater vest or a tiny baby suit. I hate sweater vests on grown men, so there's no way I'm making my kid wear one. In fact, he doesn't need to wear a tie until he's old enough to tie it himself.

Girl clothes are less doofy - but more pink. I'm not sure it's a good trade-off.

On the other hand, I think we're in for several more years of cricket-playing giraffes.

My Giant.

2008-11-01T06:22:00.000-07:00

The Czar's first Halloween was a rousing success. We spent it with my sister and brother-in-law and their three neighbors. We hung out in front of sis's house, drank wine around the fire pit (which was endlessly entertaining for the babe), and made kids sing for their candy. Some of them sucked it up and belted out the ABCs, some showed off by singing in harmony, and some straight up walked away. They figured Nerds weren't a good enough prize for humiliation. So be it.

Anyway, the boy was a dream - he almost always is in public. He stayed up as long as he could and crashed like a paper airplane as soon as he got strapped in to his car seat.

I have also vowed to make his Halloween costumes for as long as he'll let me.

Negative Nancy.

2008-10-31T14:08:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while. Obviously.

I realized today that it was not because I had nothing to say, it was because I has nothing pleasant to say. Even the stuff that seems funny to me in the moment comes out jaded and bitchy. I blame sleep deprivation.

I've been contemplating a charming musing on baby clothes and why they are ridiculous. I'll crack that out in the next couple of days.

To represent the happy new leaf I will be turning over, I shall soon post a picture of my babe dressed as the Jolly Green Giant. (Get it? Leaf? Well, maybe it will make sense when you see the costume.)

He is napping at the moment and it it my belief that one should never wake a sleeping baby unless one is a glutton for punishment or just plain certifiable.

Good freaking morning.

2008-10-20T02:38:00.000-07:00

I just wrote and then deleted a wholly rancid post complaining about my child's sleep patterns, my husband's inability to do something simple like take over nighttime baby duty on weekends, and that fact that I would very much like to throw both cats out the window this morning.

I am sleep deprived coming out of a weekend, which doesn't bode well for the week. I will try to be optimistic, but I can't guarantee anything.

I need to get back to posting. I'll come up with something pleasant to read soon.

Practically Perfect in Every Way

2008-10-10T12:58:00.000-07:00

The Czar and I just got home from his two month well baby visit. It went swimmingly. He's still a tall (25 inches!) blond Norske warrior. He's 12.4 lbs and his head has grown 2 inches in the 9 weeks since they've seen him last.

All said - he's perfect. He had his two month vaccinations, as well. This was not as traumatic for me as I was told it would be. Then again, I didn't even look at the needles. I just couldn't. I held my baby's teeny hands and looked him in the eye while he screamed bloody murder. Then I snuggled him and it took thirty seconds for him to calm the heck down and start staring at a lamp in the corner.

In an act of solidarity I got a flu shot and a tetanus booster. My band-aids aren't nearly as cool as the kid's are. Sad.

Deep Thoughts

2008-10-03T07:25:00.000-07:00

My new favorite phrase is "I lost my shit."

As in: "I totally lost my shit when that jerk cut me off on the highway", or "The Czar lost his shit when he woke up and I wasn;t there."

Yes, I know it's been around for a while, but it's so descriptive! Crude, yes - but it gets the point across.

In other news, all is well here. The boy is not sleeping as well as he was a week ago, but I think it's because we moved him back to the co-sleeper while he was sick. He seems to be pretty much over the worst of it, so he's being relegated to the crib tonight. I think being near us makes him sleep more lightly, and makes him more likely to wake up.

Sorry, buddy. You're on your own. It's a cruel, cruel world.

2008-09-29T05:14:00.000-07:00

I totally fuckin' jinxed myself.

The boy and I are sharing a cold. Let me tell you how awesome last night was. Oh, did I say "awesome"? I meant "terrible". He woke up at 4am with this cold - he was all phlegm-y and howl-y and scream-y , and I couldn't do anything but feed him and rock him. I finally got him to sleep for about an hour only to repeat the process. It is 7:17, he just ate again, he's sleeping in my bed.

The Android went to the grocery store for orange juice, a bag of oranges (he believes vitamin C cures all), and a nasal aspirator for the baby. We lost the one we had three weeks ago.

Bah to colds. Bah to sick babies.

Zzzzzzz...

2008-09-28T04:33:00.000-07:00

I don't want to jinx anything, but I think we've entered a new stage of development. I think my kid might actually be sleeping through the night.

Or close to it, anyway. Last Wednesday he slept 6 hours straight. Thursday he made it 7 and a half (almost in a row. He woke up once and was easily lulled back to dreamland by having a pacifier plugged in his face.). Friday was screwy, but last night he went another 7.5 hours.

I'm deliriously happy.

In other news, he's still kind of amazing. He's holding his head much more steadily now, and he can stand (with assistance, of course) for longer periods. His legs used to just go to jelly when any weight was put on them, but now he plants his feet like a champ.

Today we will enjoy baby's first Twins game. I sure hope they don't lose - it might put him off baseball forever.

This mom thing...

2008-09-22T14:38:00.000-07:00

It's been nearly eight weeks. Some days it seems like a miniscule amount of time (and in the grander scheme of things, I guess it is.) and some days it feels like I've been at this forever.

This mom thing is rewarding. When my kid flirts with me and gives me a smile so big it threatens to take over his face, when I correctly guess why he is crying and fix it before he breaks into a full on screaming fit, when I manage to pull a shirt over his head without suffocating him or breaking his neck (technically there has never been a possibility, but my rationale flew out the window weeks ago.).

I do a touchdown dance every time I recognize his sleepy signs and put him down for a nap - and he's sound asleep within a minute. Man, that's good stuff.

He's growing up so much. Every day I realize he does something a little better, a little stronger. He's getting cuter - if that's possible. And his face is endlessly fascinating to me. Sometimes when he's asleep I have to physically restrain myself from waking him up to play with him. The only thing that keeps me from doing it is knowing that that would be monumentally stupid. Never wake a sleeping baby. So, I watch him. And I kiss him. A lot. And I rub his feet and he makes little purring and grunting noises.

He continues being fairly perfect.

How do people have twins? My head would explode.

*Oh, and lest you think I believe I am the best mom ever, here's a fun tidbit: Yesterday I cut his right thumb while attempting to trim his nails. He cried for five seconds, I cried for five minutes. It was the first time I ever used the teeny baby nail clippers. I'm sticking with the nail file for now.

F You Man Chu

2008-09-19T07:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the Android came home from work and sat down for a cuddle with the boy. I walk away for a moment and hear a bloodcurdling scream coming from the baby. I had never heard him shriek like that, so naturally I went to check it out.

It seems that the Czar got a bunch of accidental Stubble Kisses and did not approve at all. Android was apologizing to him and I was practically begging for the baby. He just kept screaming at his daddy until I wrested him away, changed his diaper (the screaming continued) and cuddled him (I am stubble free) until he chilled the heck out.

It was traumatic for all involved.

I had a night to think about it and I have determined that it wasn't the sandpaper face that alarmed the Czar so much, it was the Fu Man Chu his dad has been sporting for the last week or so.

Yes. Our household was recently teleported into a mid-seventies porno.

The BabyTalk has landed.

2008-09-17T07:06:00.000-07:00

Something I never thought I'd hear myself say:

"Oh my! That was the bestest burp EVER!"

Also - I have a song I sing when changing his diaper. Set to the tune of "Camptown Races". Original, right?

Ivan has a poopy butt, doo daa doo daa
Ivan has a poopy butt all the stinkin' time

Gonna wipe all night, gonna wipe all day
Ivan had a poopy butt, but now he smells okay.

*sigh*
How long do I get to blame the lack of continuous sleep?

Dull dull dull...

2008-09-11T09:54:00.000-07:00

It's not that I haven't had anything to say. I do have stuff to say, but most of the time it's so boring I fall asleep thinking about it!

The most excitement I've had in the last couple of weeks is very long drive to and from Illinois. I left the Czar and the Android alone overnight for the first time. Naturally, the boys did brilliantly, and I didn't totally fall apart. That's all I can ask for. I did accidentally go 12 hours without nursing or pumping - never again. I was sure they would explode and take out most of eastern Wisconsin.

We're really just trucking along nicely now. The boy is six weeks old as of yesterday - time flies. My six week checkup is next Monday. I'm kind of looking forward to it just to make sure my nethers are, you know, as they should be.

Oh - I'm back at WeightWatchers. Getting back to counting points and actually thinking about what I feed my face is both liberating and frustrating as hell. Technically, I only have to lose 15lbs of baby weight, but since there was an extra 60 or so hanging around before the kid was even a glimmer in my eye, the finish line is a fair ways off. No worries. I can handle it.

Perfect.

2008-08-28T08:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just look at my kid and he breaks my heart. He's sitting on my lap right now, fighting sleep, and he's making the most hilarious/adorable faces.

And then I think: I made that!

And then I want to kick my own ass for being so self-centered.

Oh, God. He just laughed in his sleep. I think I may pass out.

Four weeks old!

2008-08-27T07:21:00.000-07:00

PSA

2008-08-27T05:48:00.000-07:00

You cannot watch Jim Gaffigan and breastfeed at the same time.